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There are moments when it creeps up under your skin…you know that damp grayness that hangs around after the universe has decided that three days of sunshine in Wisconsin is far too many for this time of year. It tries to steal into your soul and dissolve the joyous emotions of Spring and potential and love and….hope. The horrific abomination which is the scent flowing from Frito Lay Corp envelopes you as well and causes the inevitable vow to yourself to never again eat a potato chip for as long as you shall live. Uneasy restlessness digs its talons into your center and your stomach knots deeply. You breathe in and then out, trying to cleanse the dirty sock feeling that lingers inside. Looking up at the clouds you think, "clouds are momentary. The stuff they are made of dissolves in sunlight." And the unbearable load that weighed on your heart begins to lighten...

Night in Paris via text...

9:13 - Me: Night in Paris, the Eiffel Tower lit up, café on a small street, where an old man with a saxophone sits on a curb. Me and you.

9:16/9:18 - Him: Under the striped overhang, café double glass doors still open, reflecting shimmery lines from the small shop across the street, while strong rich smells ease / out of the café with the passing of the waitress, the fresh batch of dough for morning cooking at the next shop over, hinting raw vapors of fine flours and grains.

9:21 - Me: Crusty French baguettes wrapped in a crisp white linen with rich thick soft butter on a small china plate are placed on the table by a gaston, named Louis.

9:31 - Me: He winks at us as he passes with a knowing look. The cool night air laces fingers with the scents flowing from the heated perfectly lit kitchen of the café.

10:08: - Him: The barista looks at a coworker as she says with a mischievous smile to suggest to him, “those two, you can see it all over them,” and continues her duties.

10:10 - Him: The walk down from the art district over the cobblestones that still line the back alleys, hiding the best shops, well worth the difficulty of you in heels.

10:15 - Me: And the tiny little bookshop tucked away in a corner showcases a multitude of delights that enrapture me, you wait patiently as I dig through literary treasures.

10:21 - Him: The pages turn, scents pass with every page as though not relating just the story, but also its long twisting history of the hands, houses, and cities its passed.

10:23 - Me: Minutes turn into an hour, than two and at the clearing of the owner’s throat, we two treasure seekers are brought back to reality that its closing time.

10:27 - Him: Sorry, have to pause, out to eat, ttys.

10:27 - Me: Paris and I can wait for you.

11:35/11:37/11:42 - Him: Closing time, a special treat to witness in itself, giving us an excuse to walk the streets, holding each other close as the cold nips at the heels, making our / way back to the streets still alive with action, though late now, the world is still open for anything, yet the call of the quieter park bench calls out more /than anything else, a bench at the end of the stair fountains, or close to the Triumph Arch, next to something that offers beauty with ambient street lights.

11:38 - Me: Let’s go.

11:54 - Me: Now, she says, hoping that the word picture being drawn will be an eventual reality.

Beloit

I have fallen head over heels, totally completely, sparkly eyed in love with this city. When I moved here in January it was just a tiny infatuation, like the one with the man with dancing eyes that you see behind the counter at B and P's. Recognition, a smile that reaches through the eyes, and causes you to pause and catch your breath for just a moment at the possibilities. You look forward to the daily intersection of your worlds, but accept the briefness of its passing with grace. What I feel now that spring is here is indefinitely more complex, deeper, messier, complicated, and oh so refreshing.

Beauty resides here, tucked amongst the tall Victorians, sturdy Italian villas, and run-down mansions, reminiscent of houses painted by your imagination from the pages of a Nancy Drew novel, the old hardback green editions with the illustrations on the front that cause a longing for strawberry-blonde hair and a predilection for fighting crime. It isn't a hidden beauty but rather an overlooked one. Hopelessness has clouded over it for many years and tried to blot out the bits of light pinpricking the darkness.

Hope has returned. It is here to stay. It's the twisted loveliness of the leafless branches reaching towards God right next to the clean creaminess of the First Congregational Church, which isn't actually the FIRST since the original burnt down. The sculpture of the iron birds taking flight off the pedestal tucked away next to a non-descript house on Harrison beckon, "There is truth here. Life."

The pale spring sunset fading over the eaves of an rather ungracefully aging grey shingled house, the window propped open brings surprise delight to passer-by (namely me) as the thick juicy sounds of jazz, a well-played saxophone pours out. I want to stand on that corner and listen for hours. To sit down, cross-legged in the middle of the cracked sidewalk that leads directly to Beloit College and drink it in. It feeds my soul as I press pause on the iPod and bounce. Left foot , right foot. Waiting for the cars to pass, so I can cross the street. I want to press pause on this moment. I want the rest of the world, the people in their cars, the ones with the sad-eyes, the broken, the restless, the bored, the just plain tired to experience this moment. To feel what I feel.

Welcome to Beloit. God lives here. So do I.

Picasso's

Picasso's is what every indie coffee shop aspires to be....exposed brick and hardwood floors are the natural canvas for the latest showcased artwork and pithy sayings that cover the walls. Huge burlap coffee bags have been sliced, hemmed, and painted, then hung as curtains to shade the massive floor to ceiling windows. Sandwiches are full of healthy goodness and toasted to absolute perfection and served to me with a dill pickle and banana, as opposed to Sun chips. The essential mix of coffeehouse music plays over the speakers...Colbie, John, Norah, and even that song that AT&T has procured for their commercials...that one about "I think that possibly, maybe, I'm falling for you..." that makes you want to change your phone service in hopes that a beautiful man traveling across Europe will be thinking of you and realize that he is falling crazy desperately in love with you. I'm curled up with my laptop in the back top tier in a tall chair with a real porcelain cup and saucer full of soy chai and Norah singing "Come away with me...." when I feel the stress twisted up in my neck and shoulders relax and I find that I'm taking deep slow breaths, and the little tiny cappuccino spoon sitting sweetly on the saucer turns out to be an ingenious way to scoop the fluffy clouds of foam that rest in the bottom of the mug into my mouth....a most excellent day. Can't help but think of you as I take my rest from the craziness ensuing about me....

Musings

Ever step out of the house into the silvery light of the moon when its just a shadow of its former whole self? Cool almost damp air presses in on your skin refreshing you even as it leaves a misty trail along your neck. And the stars, polished to sparkling points, brilliantly arranged in their exhibition of celestial artwork, stand out starkly against a perfectly clear velvet darkness. You breathe in deeply, absorbing the magnificence of it all, until it becomes a part of your soul...along with a profound feeling of being at rest in the midst of the spinning chaos called the 'verse. Recognition dawns...your voice, albeit a small one, is a necessary part of the cosmic Love Story playing out all around. You have a role to fill that against the beauty of this incredible night seems so irrelevant...but is the exact antithesis...in Truth you are an intricately created being whose actions affect all those within your orbit. You take in the moon, the air, the stars, and wild untame-able joy is unleashed in the inner most part of you as the decision is made to....pursue with passion the Big Dream. After all, you remind yourself, life is too short and the days are to long for you to be ordinary....

Little Deaths

"You told yourself you would accept the decision of fate. But you lost your nerve when you discovered what this would require of you. Then you realized how attached you still were to the world which had made you what you were, but which you would now have to leave behind. It felt like an amputation, a "little death," and you even listened to those voices which insinuated you were deceiving yourself out of ambition. You will have to give up EVERYTHING, why, then, weep at this little death? Take it to you - quickly - with a smile die this death, and become free to go further - one with your task, whole in your duty of the moment." - Markings, Dag Hammarskojld, 1957

Little deaths may not be ultimate death, but they are still crazy painful deaths. They often overwhelm us. They are the release of our favorite hiding places from life and turning toward THE Hiding Place. They are the dismissal of "less wild" lovers in favor of running to the One and Only who can console and fulfill our hearts.They are the reluctant surrender of our cherished dreams into the hands of the One who created us to realize them. And they hurt, they sting, the separation of these things that have so long boundaried our lives is difficult beyond words. However, if we are moving toward the Dream that God placed in us, we will have to give up everything at some point. The "little deaths" are just to teach us how to trust Him and to make us realize that when it comes to necessity, He is all we need.

God, show us how to "die the little deaths" without argument or complaint. Teach us to be willing to accept your instruction and shaping.

Starting Places

We all have many starting points on our journey. About two years ago, I began a prayer journal. Looking back over these entries, I see the continuity of the events that God is using to shape me and how each of them were a "starting place" for a specific time of shaping that God was beginning in me. If you find yourself at one of these starting places in your own journey, start with this prayer. "God, show me how to process this place that you have brought me to. I don't know where to begin. I don't even know what tools I need to ensure that I get to the end point that you desire for me. I don't know how to do this. I need you to show me the way. Please bring the resources and the understanding that I need in your impeccable timing. I'm embarking on this journey with you, the Love of my heart. I trust that whatever place you bring me too, you will give me the strength to stand there, regardless of those surrounding me who may not understand." At a pivotal moment in my life, I prayed a similar prayer. Mine went like this:

3/28/09
Show me how to process these events in my life in the correct way - through the lens of your eternal purpose not through the short sighted pain that overwhelms me. Give me peace in this time of turmoil and show me how to rest in your arms, rather than picking up the bricks and mortar to rebuild the walls that have been torn down. Your wisdom is infinite - mend, renew, and rebuild this broken, battered, and bloodied heart of mine in the way that you desire.

He did.

Yield Signs

Sometimes you have the perfect thing to say and then you say it and then your computer deletes it. So, you get angry for a few minutes and say things like "Well, it must not have been meant to be" and "Maybe, I was the only one who was supposed to learn something new from it" and then you think "Okay, so I'll start again and this time it will be more coherent and someone else may actually understand what I'm trying to say." Round II :)

God has brought me through a "wasteland" -- a time of being broken open and spilled out in order to clean out some of the mess that I had shoved down inside me for so long. It was brutal, full of moments when I was unsure I would even survive, and speaking plainly, hell. But, here I stand, on the other side of that desert place. I have been reveling in life for the past month -- so excited about the things God has spoken to me. Ready to pursue the Big Dream that He created me for. I've heard His voice, "Change is coming...better get ready." And, I've listened...walking by faith or rather acting by faith. And now here I stand, waiting for Him to open that door. And in the midst of all this excitement I wake up to find, I'm still broken. There are pieces of me hidden away in my darkest corners that are festering there...broken shards that have been pushed down so deep I forgot they were there. Bits that if left alone and never addressed will cause untold problems in accomplishing God's plan for me. So, I cry out from this new place of semi-wholeness, "Shine Your light on my darkness...use Your love to push it out, to heal and reshape, to show me how to let go and release myself from the prison of the past. I'm ready, ready to follow You wherever, ready to for whenever, whatever, whoever, but if You still have more to do in me, to change in me, to make me ready to fulfill Your will, then I'm ready for that too. Continue opening my eyes to the things that need changing in me. I will pursue You and Your heart and believe that in the process I will learn about my own."

Jump...

"Someday I'll fly

Someday I'll soar

Someday I'll be so much more

Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for...."

In the immortal words of our quintessential modern day philosopher, John Mayer, my soul speaks. But I find that it is saying, "No, not someday....now, now is the time for me to spread my still growing completely unstable wings." It is finally time to BE. Every day is a decision, the decision, really. I get to decide; today will be a good day full of laughter, music, magic. No matter what I'm handed, what circumstances arise, I GET to decide. I'm free to decide. My dreams that had become so limited to only what could occur within the tiny structure of who I thought I had to be have now split (though painfully) wide open. I can and will be who and what I am supposed to be. Which is really anything. Even EVERYTHING. And I get to take this amazing leap of the cliff with Creator God, the true Lover of my heart, clasping my hand in His. I look below at the achingly beautiful cold turquoise water below, close my eyes, take a deep breath of the fresh air, feel the tender yet strong reassuring grip of His fingers around mine, smile a little crazily, and......jump. Today I'll fly. Today I'll soar. Today I'll be so much more...

Living the Adventure

"The doorway to your future and destiny is only big enough for you to walk through, not you and your past" - Danny Gokey

Shedding the past and its sharp claws that have entangled themselves in your soul is actually easier that what it sounds. The reason so many people can't move forward is not because their past won't allow them, its because they are to afraid to release their past. Whether they have desired it or not, it has become the thing that defines them. "I react in this way to this specific situation because of what happened in this past relationship." I've said similiar words many times especially in the months leading up to the complete and utter shattering of my world. I was figuratively curled up in the fetal position, eyes wide with fear, repeating my mantra of "Please don't hurt me, please don't break me, I'm so fragile." Fear tainted every moment of every beautiful day. It was only when I came to the end of myself...where I had faced every horrifying fear and found myself still there....still shockingly able to dream that I realized this was no way to live. I've always prided myself on being strong, I would always be "okay". But now I'm tired of being just okay...I was made for more. Not to live a boring ordinary "safe" life. I'm done with that. I'm leaping off into the unknown, walking through the giant lipstick red door to the next stage of my life with only the Lover of my soul by my side. In my massive future, there is no room for fear or my past....

The Other Side of Sleep

oh, King of the Land of Tuesday

oh, Emperor of Everlands

(far beyond the light of stars)

the deep abyss of

your eyes

flips my heart directly out of

it's tiny pocket

flinging it higher than

steel and glass castles rise

craving

your warm palm

finger kissing finger before embracing

savoring

the spiciness of you

needing

a perpetual drink of you

that swirls and spins me

backways sidewards

only

breathlessness remains

your secret smile

leaves behind

the reflections of a wish

another rendezvous

in the wonderplace

on the other side of sleep

Sneak Peak

Completely unexpected. It was the Tuesday before Thanksgiving last year. Early afternoon and we were all in the fellowship hall cleaning up from our high school Thanksgiving dinner. I was directing kids here and there and turned around to find him standing there...in for a short visit. His beauty had always been on my radar but this was different. All it took was a smile, the little phrase "hey buddy", and a hug and all of the sudden I couldn't breathe. My heart was beating so loud and fast that first time in my life I was actually afraid that it could be heard. I laughed it off and told myself it was nothing...I had no idea that my heart was giving me a sneak peak of what was to come. Love's funny that way...

Beginning of our story...

A conversation from my first year of college is haunting me somewhat at this late hour when I should be sleeping yet my recuperating body is not cooperating. I've been thinking much about the future lately (hmmm wonder why...43) and while I was trying to daydream myself to sleep my mind came across this little chat that has stuck with me. N was 24 and I was 17. As friendships in bible college go, we were quite the odd couple. He was sane, focused, ancient....I was crazy, naive, and very very young. We were on our way home from some kind of meeting and we were talking about a couple that had recently gotten engaged. I loved how everyone could tell they were supposed to be together....it was one of those things that when they looked at each other everyone knew...not just them. It wasn't that cheesy garbage that makes you want to slap them silly and say "wake up you idiots, it won't last" no it was that "wow chick flicks and fairy tales were written for a reason" kind of feeling. In my infinite innocence I declared that this is what I desired and the knowledge that I would never be happy with anything less. N moved out of his stoic self for a moment and became surprisingly animated as he made me swear to never settle for anything less, even if something almost as good came along. I of course crossed my heart and somehow determined in my little 17 year old mind that this crazy true know in my gut love would come someday. On certain days since then I have wondered if I cursed myself...I've even questioned if I would be willing to settle for less than this like so many of my friends have....the answer was always, "No." And now, almost ten years from that simple vow I understand why...It is worth it..."gulp"

Trucks and Pancakes

So its been centuries I know since I have posted and with the urging of a few family members and Brit, I'm going to try and do better. The past several months have been what can only be termed as crazy, amazing, difficult, and CRAZY. Today was a fine example of just what the previous months have held. It started early, much to early with a text at 5:15 A.M. from a friends who is rapidly being put on the not so favorite list, he wanted to say Good Morning, specifically because he knew that I was still asleep and he had to be up...great friend, huh! It continued on pretty alright with me teaching Algebra for A (now I believe I really can do absolutely ANYTHING) After said Algebra teaching, I took an uneventful trip to Panera for some incredibly awesome tomato soup (i'm addicted) for J and I. On the way home, a huge yellow Dodge Ram decided to meet my Jeep up close and personal....my first ever accident in 10 years of driving. Though I am bruised and sore, I'm okay...however, my poor little Jeep is not quite so okay. Upside: the rental place gave me a Ford F150 to drive while my vehicle is getting fixed (I just love silver linings). And, you know what the funny thing is? This morning on my way to school I was chatting with God and just let Him that I really love my life....right now is definitely in the category of most difficult time of life thus far, but I find myself truly truly believing that statement, even now...after a day that I really wish I would have stayed in bed for...i find that I LOVE MY LIFE...its pretty stinking fabulous and i'm thankful for it and the people God has placed in it. What I wish: Tomorrow was a snow day, I could sleep in and awake to the smell of Banana Pancakes.....