Little Deaths

"You told yourself you would accept the decision of fate. But you lost your nerve when you discovered what this would require of you. Then you realized how attached you still were to the world which had made you what you were, but which you would now have to leave behind. It felt like an amputation, a "little death," and you even listened to those voices which insinuated you were deceiving yourself out of ambition. You will have to give up EVERYTHING, why, then, weep at this little death? Take it to you - quickly - with a smile die this death, and become free to go further - one with your task, whole in your duty of the moment." - Markings, Dag Hammarskojld, 1957

Little deaths may not be ultimate death, but they are still crazy painful deaths. They often overwhelm us. They are the release of our favorite hiding places from life and turning toward THE Hiding Place. They are the dismissal of "less wild" lovers in favor of running to the One and Only who can console and fulfill our hearts.They are the reluctant surrender of our cherished dreams into the hands of the One who created us to realize them. And they hurt, they sting, the separation of these things that have so long boundaried our lives is difficult beyond words. However, if we are moving toward the Dream that God placed in us, we will have to give up everything at some point. The "little deaths" are just to teach us how to trust Him and to make us realize that when it comes to necessity, He is all we need.

God, show us how to "die the little deaths" without argument or complaint. Teach us to be willing to accept your instruction and shaping.

Starting Places

We all have many starting points on our journey. About two years ago, I began a prayer journal. Looking back over these entries, I see the continuity of the events that God is using to shape me and how each of them were a "starting place" for a specific time of shaping that God was beginning in me. If you find yourself at one of these starting places in your own journey, start with this prayer. "God, show me how to process this place that you have brought me to. I don't know where to begin. I don't even know what tools I need to ensure that I get to the end point that you desire for me. I don't know how to do this. I need you to show me the way. Please bring the resources and the understanding that I need in your impeccable timing. I'm embarking on this journey with you, the Love of my heart. I trust that whatever place you bring me too, you will give me the strength to stand there, regardless of those surrounding me who may not understand." At a pivotal moment in my life, I prayed a similar prayer. Mine went like this:

3/28/09
Show me how to process these events in my life in the correct way - through the lens of your eternal purpose not through the short sighted pain that overwhelms me. Give me peace in this time of turmoil and show me how to rest in your arms, rather than picking up the bricks and mortar to rebuild the walls that have been torn down. Your wisdom is infinite - mend, renew, and rebuild this broken, battered, and bloodied heart of mine in the way that you desire.

He did.

Yield Signs

Sometimes you have the perfect thing to say and then you say it and then your computer deletes it. So, you get angry for a few minutes and say things like "Well, it must not have been meant to be" and "Maybe, I was the only one who was supposed to learn something new from it" and then you think "Okay, so I'll start again and this time it will be more coherent and someone else may actually understand what I'm trying to say." Round II :)

God has brought me through a "wasteland" -- a time of being broken open and spilled out in order to clean out some of the mess that I had shoved down inside me for so long. It was brutal, full of moments when I was unsure I would even survive, and speaking plainly, hell. But, here I stand, on the other side of that desert place. I have been reveling in life for the past month -- so excited about the things God has spoken to me. Ready to pursue the Big Dream that He created me for. I've heard His voice, "Change is coming...better get ready." And, I've listened...walking by faith or rather acting by faith. And now here I stand, waiting for Him to open that door. And in the midst of all this excitement I wake up to find, I'm still broken. There are pieces of me hidden away in my darkest corners that are festering there...broken shards that have been pushed down so deep I forgot they were there. Bits that if left alone and never addressed will cause untold problems in accomplishing God's plan for me. So, I cry out from this new place of semi-wholeness, "Shine Your light on my darkness...use Your love to push it out, to heal and reshape, to show me how to let go and release myself from the prison of the past. I'm ready, ready to follow You wherever, ready to for whenever, whatever, whoever, but if You still have more to do in me, to change in me, to make me ready to fulfill Your will, then I'm ready for that too. Continue opening my eyes to the things that need changing in me. I will pursue You and Your heart and believe that in the process I will learn about my own."

Jump...

"Someday I'll fly

Someday I'll soar

Someday I'll be so much more

Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for...."

In the immortal words of our quintessential modern day philosopher, John Mayer, my soul speaks. But I find that it is saying, "No, not someday....now, now is the time for me to spread my still growing completely unstable wings." It is finally time to BE. Every day is a decision, the decision, really. I get to decide; today will be a good day full of laughter, music, magic. No matter what I'm handed, what circumstances arise, I GET to decide. I'm free to decide. My dreams that had become so limited to only what could occur within the tiny structure of who I thought I had to be have now split (though painfully) wide open. I can and will be who and what I am supposed to be. Which is really anything. Even EVERYTHING. And I get to take this amazing leap of the cliff with Creator God, the true Lover of my heart, clasping my hand in His. I look below at the achingly beautiful cold turquoise water below, close my eyes, take a deep breath of the fresh air, feel the tender yet strong reassuring grip of His fingers around mine, smile a little crazily, and......jump. Today I'll fly. Today I'll soar. Today I'll be so much more...

Living the Adventure

"The doorway to your future and destiny is only big enough for you to walk through, not you and your past" - Danny Gokey

Shedding the past and its sharp claws that have entangled themselves in your soul is actually easier that what it sounds. The reason so many people can't move forward is not because their past won't allow them, its because they are to afraid to release their past. Whether they have desired it or not, it has become the thing that defines them. "I react in this way to this specific situation because of what happened in this past relationship." I've said similiar words many times especially in the months leading up to the complete and utter shattering of my world. I was figuratively curled up in the fetal position, eyes wide with fear, repeating my mantra of "Please don't hurt me, please don't break me, I'm so fragile." Fear tainted every moment of every beautiful day. It was only when I came to the end of myself...where I had faced every horrifying fear and found myself still there....still shockingly able to dream that I realized this was no way to live. I've always prided myself on being strong, I would always be "okay". But now I'm tired of being just okay...I was made for more. Not to live a boring ordinary "safe" life. I'm done with that. I'm leaping off into the unknown, walking through the giant lipstick red door to the next stage of my life with only the Lover of my soul by my side. In my massive future, there is no room for fear or my past....