Saturday, November 24, 2007

Eulogy for a Love Lost

You would think that walking away and never looking back would be the hardest part....not so much for me...i pride myself on having made "walking away" into an art form. I've learned the easiest way to walk away from a relationship is to literally (physically) walk away...though the males involved may not feel the same way, a couple of my "walking aways" (there haven't been that many) would have done any chick flick proud. However, because I have learned how to walk away and when to walk away, I always feel as if I'm fine...don't have to deal with anything...because walking away was easy so...i must be fine. Fine, sure, fine. Fine until 10 months after walking away and never looking back I wake up one morning with an epiphany...I'm not fine and what I talked myself into believing was nothing, what didn't mean anything, was in all actuality, love. No, it wasn't the love, you know that one that you're supposed to be with forevermore and without it life isn't worth living, but it was love, true deep messy painful. As this understanding takes hold, I loose my breath and the knot in my stomach appears...I feel the physical pain in my chest, the hurt of the realization that I loved, let go when God told me to (well at least the 5th time He told me to), and that I never grieved for the love lost. As some of you know from reading this blog, God is taking me on a journey right now...opening up old wounds that never healed or re-breaking portions of me that healed incorrectly, making me face these hurts, and then healing them afresh and completely so that the part of me that is broken will be whole. This epiphany is part of that process and i'm finding that grieving is good, it is necessary. It releases the heart, allows it to open again. And i feel that though the details of the love are painful i need to be thankful. So here is my thankfulness, my grieving, my letting go, my release of the pain, written to the love lost:

I enjoyed you. Truly enjoyed you, and have to tell you I am thankful that I fell head over feet in love with you. Even though you may have taken advantage of my naivete, made promises you couldn't have kept, and ended up completely acting like an idiot, I believe that you loved me...fell in love with me as well. What I loved about being with you was never having to self-edit, knowing that you really understood the massiveness of my inner nerd because the same thing lived not to far below the surface in you, your passion for everything and how you could spark the same in all those around you, your belief in my talents and abilities far beyond what I could see, and how you found me irresistibly attractive - you always found it necessary to catch eye, my hand, my heart. Cliche though it is, you finished my sentences or read my mind....words weren't always necessary, but often were used just so that contact could be made in some way. Though I left you, I still possess a bit of baggage that I'm learning how to lay down now. Thank you for showing me parts of myself I had never seen before. And for leaving me with the understanding that just like Calvin and Alice, one day when I least expect it, am at my most witty and charming, he will walk into the party and my life will never be the same. I wish you all the best and pray that someday your little secular Jewish boy self will meet another Jewish man that I have fallen into a love so deep with, you can only understand by experiencing it yourself. His name is Jesus and His love will surpass any that I ever gave or could ever have given you. So now I release you, my song, may your search for Truth, Love and the understanding of Life be fruitful and bring you into His presence.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Verbal Decimation...

Where shall I begin....with the projectile coughing? no, wait maybe we should begin with the fact that right now on the level below me is a very extremely incredibly large python in a box or maybe, no I know, let's start with the somewhat attractive young quasi-aryan blonde man that I eviscerated with my words on Sunday evening because of his stance on the whole "racism" thing...It was Sunday evening after service and I was rapidly losing my voice, mainly because as I found out from the doctor in my visit yesterday, I have sinusitus and bronchittis and that causes a build up of bacteria on the voice box which...causes your voice to disappear. Anyway...Sunday evening...a young couple in our church invited J and I over for a cup of tea to hopefully boost our swiftly deteriorating health. J and I were sitting on the surprisingly cozy mod black leather couch discussing how previously mentioned young man is a good dresser and somewhat attractive until he opens his mouth and begins to speak. Said guy walks in at that moment and proceeds to sit down on floor to chat with us....decides to ask J and I what we think of the eventual election as teachers. Discussion begins and then he says...I quote, "Well, it won't be a good thing if a "black" becomes president, "they" will take over." Well now, some of you know me and clearly already can picture the look on my face as well as what is about to happen to this unfortunate fellow...I practically disembowled him with my words first in utter shock that I'm actually hearing what he has to say coming from one so young and then because of what he says next, he continued on for a few minutes, citing an experience that had ensued when he was previously living in a Southern state. Me.."So you're saying the guy slit your tires because he was black? Not because he was an idiot troublemaker, but because he was black." Him, "Well, uh...yeah." Me (gearing up for the kill), "Really. You saying that he did this because he was black is like me saying that because you're from Arkansas you must be stupid." (so my analogy was slightly off, but if you knew the situation better you'd understand why I said it) Him, "Well I mean like, I'm not racist or anything." Me, "Hate to break it to you, but yes, yes you are racist and if you have any of Jesus in your heart and are trying to be like Him by any stretch of the imagination, you might want to rethink your ideas...also, what century are you living in??? This is Ohio, it's 2007, and before you make comments such as these, you should be aware of who you are speaking to...everyday I teach a class of 5th graders who are ALL African American, I have family who is also African American, and at least half of my home church back home is African American." I had many many other things to say, but he looked so shell-shocked, confused, and could not seem to pick up the pieces to continue the discussion that I decided to sit down. As J said, for me to continue would have been akin to smothering a small child. Smart aleck other young preppy frat boy sitting on the other side of me pops up with, "So, probably a bad time to mention that my family is in the KKK." He's laughing...literally laughing and agreeing to some extent with previously mentioned and now verbal intenstines hanging out young man. I gave him the famous look I inherited from my dad, Aunt Deb, and Pawpaw and stood up to leave....such uglyness...I so rarely see it, that when I do it ignites in me an anger and a desire to point out the idiocy and un-Jesus-likeness of said uglyness. I understand verbal evisceration is probably not the best response or the most Jesus one ...but I'm working on that....Really ;)