Friday, March 18, 2011

Pain and Beauty

Sometimes letting go of the past is a just a matter of speaking the words that give shape to the picture in your mind causing your heart pain.  Last night I had a moment of memory, one of those beautiful perfect suspensions of time that is crystalline in its clearness.  Yet it brought with it such overwhelming sadness that shocked me with its depth.  The very core of me seemed to mourn at this precious experience and the passing of it.  Since marriage is a constant teacher on the necessity of communication, I knew I needed to share this with my husband.  However, it seemed so profoundly personal, that I found difficulty even describing it out loud.  I laid there in bed and replayed over and over bringing with it other less than happy times.  The pain of my heart grew until finally I decided to share.  As I began haltingly to try and describe it, he wrapped his arms around me and heard me.  “It was just…I just felt like….” I said as tears poured down my face, unable to speak that defining word.  “You felt like…” and he said it.  He spoke that title that had caused fear and anguish to fill me and the dam broke.  “Yeeees….” I wailed between sobs which rocked my body and as the tears fell, I felt peace fill me.  Just looking the past in the face and being genuine about pain and beauty can heal bits.  One more tiny piece back in its place.  One more step toward wholeness.  I can look back on that jeweled moment now and smile.  It’s a journey.