You would think that walking away and never looking back would be the hardest part....not so much for me...i pride myself on having made "walking away" into an art form. I've learned the easiest way to walk away from a relationship is to literally (physically) walk away...though the males involved may not feel the same way, a couple of my "walking aways" (there haven't been that many) would have done any chick flick proud. However, because I have learned how to walk away and when to walk away, I always feel as if I'm fine...don't have to deal with anything...because walking away was easy so...i must be fine. Fine, sure, fine. Fine until 10 months after walking away and never looking back I wake up one morning with an epiphany...I'm not fine and what I talked myself into believing was nothing, what didn't mean anything, was in all actuality, love. No, it wasn't the love, you know that one that you're supposed to be with forevermore and without it life isn't worth living, but it was love, true deep messy painful. As this understanding takes hold, I loose my breath and the knot in my stomach appears...I feel the physical pain in my chest, the hurt of the realization that I loved, let go when God told me to (well at least the 5th time He told me to), and that I never grieved for the love lost. As some of you know from reading this blog, God is taking me on a journey right now...opening up old wounds that never healed or re-breaking portions of me that healed incorrectly, making me face these hurts, and then healing them afresh and completely so that the part of me that is broken will be whole. This epiphany is part of that process and i'm finding that grieving is good, it is necessary. It releases the heart, allows it to open again. And i feel that though the details of the love are painful i need to be thankful. So here is my thankfulness, my grieving, my letting go, my release of the pain, written to the love lost:
L.,
I enjoyed you. Truly enjoyed you, and have to tell you I am thankful that I fell head over feet in love with you. Even though you may have taken advantage of my naivete, made promises you couldn't have kept, and ended up completely acting like an idiot, I believe that you loved me...fell in love with me as well. What I loved about being with you was never having to self-edit, knowing that you really understood the massiveness of my inner nerd because the same thing lived not to far below the surface in you, your passion for everything and how you could spark the same in all those around you, your belief in my talents and abilities far beyond what I could see, and how you found me irresistibly attractive - you always found it necessary to catch me...my eye, my hand, my heart. Cliche though it is, you finished my sentences or read my mind....words weren't always necessary, but often were used just so that contact could be made in some way. Though I left you, I still possess a bit of baggage that I'm learning how to lay down now. Thank you for showing me parts of myself I had never seen before. And for leaving me with the understanding that just like Calvin and Alice, one day when I least expect it, am at my most witty and charming, he will walk into the party and my life will never be the same. I wish you all the best and pray that someday your little secular Jewish boy self will meet another Jewish man that I have fallen into a love so deep with, you can only understand by experiencing it yourself. His name is Jesus and His love will surpass any that I ever gave or could ever have given you. So now I release you, my song, may your search for Truth, Love and the understanding of Life be fruitful and bring you into His presence.
Godspeed,
M.
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